The Cost of Kindness: What’s Your KQ?

By Barbara Gruener

But as I reflect on a few of the questions, I realize that it comes down to the cost of kindness.

Let me explain: In this particular questionnaire, I answered 21 questions about interactions with my neighbor. On a Likert scale, for example, I’d report whether I was very unlikely, unlikely, likely, or very likely to act in certain ways toward my neighbor. The one I’ll reference is whether I’d be willing to throw my neighbor a luxurious party. I chose unlikely, not because I don’t think my neighbor deserves it or even because I wouldn’t want to treat my neighbor to this kind of decadence, but because I don’t care for extravagant parties. It sounds like too many people and, if there is such a thing, too much merriment for the introvert in me. The cost, therefore, of being out of my comfort zone is more than I’m likely willing (or able) to pay.

After I completed the questionnaire, not only did I get this score and comparison with how others have fared, but I also got some suggestions for making kindness a verb, for implementing it into my life so that it becomes something I repeatedly do, a habit, rather than a random act or a one-off.

So, back to the cost of kindness. As I researched and taught about kindness over the last forty years, I quickly realized that simply telling people to be kind doesn’t beget a kinder, gentler world. Without knowing the why, acts of kindness out of mere compliance can lack substance and staying power. To get to the why behind kindness, let’s go back a few steps to empathy, the act of switching places with another person to understand what they’re going through. But simply being cognizant isn’t enough, which Dr. Michele Borba means when she reminds us, “dormant empathy does no good.”

If we don’t allow our empathy to move to the affective domain, to mobilize compassion so that we embrace someone’s suffering as our own while feeling the urge to help alleviate the pain, then that empathy won’t do any good. That’s what I mean when I say that empathy gives kindness its why. Asking someone to step into another’s story and find out why they need compassion and kindness right now is critical for significance and sustainability. Figuring out what someone else might want or need even as you resist the urge to fix it for them, that’s the behavioral domain of this empathy trifecta. It’s about intentionally getting curious,  paying attention, noticing, and listening to others so you know how they want to be treated. 

On my school visits, I ask students which one makes them want to befriend Jacob.

1. Hey class, we have a new student, Jacob. He’s just moved here from Texas. Let’s give him a warm Westwood welcome. OR
2. Hey class family, let’s welcome our new friend Jacob. His mom has been sick, so he moved from Texas to live with his grandparents. Thank you for showing him our Westwood empathy, compassion and kindness.

Of course, we’d have our new student’s permission to share his story, but it’s a strong way to illustrate the power of profound kindness. And guess what? Students resoundingly select the second scenario. Why? Because when they know why Jacob needs their kindness, it feels more meaningful and real. In this case, all we needed was what Houston Kraft, co-founder of CharacterStrong, refers to as the vocabulary of kindness. 

So, what’s your KQ? How do you take your kind thoughts and turn them into deep and actionable game-changers? What price are you willing to pay to model the importance of elevating empathy, mobilizing compassion, and making kindness a lifestyle?

Kindness doesn’t have to be grand to be great, but it may cost you some time and perhaps a bit of energy as you put yourself in someone else’s shoes. Smile at a stranger. Hold the door for someone. Send a kind text. Bake something yummy and share. Place a day-maker call. Whatever the cost, kindness is always worth it. 

Now if you’ll excuse me, I think I’ll head over to my neighbors’ place to see how they’d feel about that luxurious party.

Barbara Gruener, a nationally-recognized speaker and author, brings 40 years of educational experience to her mission of fostering caring connections, improving school culture, and spreading joy. You can find her online at http://corneroncharacter.com.