The Courage to Forgive

This week I want to explore the power of forgiveness with you. 

The courage to forgive is hard. Much harder, I believe, than the courage to charge into battle or the courage to battle through cancer.

For most of us the courage to “turn the other cheek” is not modeled in our homes, at school, or in the media. 

Yet I’ll never forget what Nelson Mandela said when he was freed from Robben Island. He told reporters that he still felt anger for some of the guards (and especially one of the wardens), and yes, during the first weeks of his freedom, he felt deep emotions of hate and revenge. But he repeatedly told reporters: “They had me for twenty-seven years. That is long enough. I don’t want them to have me for another twenty-seven. I have to find a way to let my anger go.”

Letting go of our anger isn’t easy. Just as physical pain tells me that my ankle is sprained, anger tells me I’m hurting emotionally. The anger inside us fuels our sense that we’re right and the transgressor is wrong.

Interestingly, some people find forgiving easier than others. For example, researchers have shown that people with a high level of empathy show forgiveness more often, as well as those who have high levels of self-control. 

Right now, I’m in a situation where I want to tell several family members who are angry with each other to just “let it go.” But I know that the courage it took Mandela to turn the other cheek is not easy. I’ve decided to wait a bit before finding the right time to talk to each family member. Time does sometimes heal. 

I am also mindful that researchers have shown slight gender differences in forgiveness. Women are statistically more open to forgiving.

Our challenge as parents, educators, coaches, and workplace leaders is to find, create, and share stories about forgiveness that will help people, including men, let go of their anger and resentment. 

On so many levels, the theologian Reinhold Niebuhr captured the essence of forgiveness when he wrote, “Forgiveness is the final form of love.”

Can we imagine a future in which everyone has a forgiving mindset, built on the anvil of love and compassion?

Note: I dedicate this article to Ev Worthington and Mike McCullough, two men who, over many years, have deepened my understanding of the power (and practice) of forgiveness.